Time To Torque
Sun Herald
Sunday July 6, 2003
Staid old coupledom is in need of a racy new image.
Something shoots past me like a speeding train.
I suspect it's Kim and Mark, a couple we call The Blur because they never stop moving. Their hobbies are too numerous to count, they party like rock stars, and it's safe to say their bottoms are strangers to an armchair's warm embrace.
The odd thing is, neither of The Blur was an action addict before they met. It's as if their marriage gave birth to hyperactivity without the child attached. I ask Kim why.
"We didn't want to seem boring," she says and explains how, terrified of transforming into a pair of comfy old slippers, they decided to become a living public-relations campaign for marriage, proving how adrenaline-charged, glamorous and unpredictable it could be.
I can see their point. Commitment has always had an image problem. History
prefers lovers to couples: they're cooler, sexier and easier to sell to an audience. TV has traditionally consigned coupledom to chintzy sitcoms, game shows or cheesy gloss, such as the 80s series Hart To Hart, starring Robert Wagner and Stefanie Powers. Every week it began with their housekeeper saying, "When they met ... it was moi-dah!" and I'd hope this time he was right - that one of the murder attempts on the insipid Harts would succeed.
Coupledom's soundtrack is even worse. Think of spouse songs and sooner or later you'll come up against Chris de Burgh's Lady In Red, the musical equivalent of someone throwing stale bread rolls at your head.
But the best anti-monogamy device is that cinema commercial for South Australia with the stressed baby boomer couple taking a driving holiday to rediscover each other. It's not just their naff, awkward friskiness (like seeing your parents flirting) but the idea that coupledom is something you need a holiday to enjoy. All through the movie afterwards, I'm haunted by images of the yuppie couple back home, petrifying in their interior-designed tomb for two, sexless and joyless until next vacation.
We treat coupledom like the royal family: we want to keep it but fixate on its dullness and irrelevance. And, as with the royals, I think we've scrutinised the magic out of it. Our shelves are groaning with the psychological weight of books about relationships as dogged slog, an endless grind of "working at it", compromise, "toughing it out" and teamwork.
Even the pro-marriage experts are grasping for gimmicks. Celebrity relationship author Shmuley Boteach's latest, Kosher Adultery, recommends simulated cheating as a cure
for flagging passion. "Adultery is perhaps the only thing that can restore excitement and wonderment to a marriage," he says.
Maybe he's right. Or maybe coupledom just needs a massive image overhaul - a "brand repositioning", as marketing types would say.
Whoever grooved up the staid old Burberry label a few years ago should be hired to create a campaign of fast cars, exotic locations and arty eroticism instead of the "no frills" we associate with commitment. And while they're at it, they should ditch the word itself. It's too reminiscent of institutionalisation. Something evocative, like a perfume name, would be better. Perhaps a racy word: "torque" or "throttle" (which would still work if you fell out with each other).
Add a seductive slogan - a "Just do it" or "Because you're worth it" - and you might have a product that sells. Although, of course, it will never come with a warranty.
The one thing i'm famous for Jacques Reymond, chef and restaurateur
"I'm famous for my love of motorbikes. Everywhere I've been, I've had a bike: Australia, France, England, Brazil, Spain. I got my first Ducati in Australia 17 years ago. But I only ride for pleasure. For me, the trick to safe riding has always been to do it as a fun thing, not commuting. Get out of town to ride. Always keep your bike spotlessly clean so you can detect immediately any defect."
Discovered
YOGA SHOES
From Nike, 1300 656 453, and Adidas, 1800 801 891; about $140 per pair.
You won't need them in class (they're leather and not that different to normal trainers), but that won't deter the fashion pack. Hitting our shores this month is the Nike Kyoto (right), designed by Martin Lotti and inspired by Japanese artist Yugo Nakamura, the simplicity of a Zen garden and the comfort and form of a kimono. In August, Adidas will release its Mei and Enmei yoga shoes, the latter a simple slip-on and perfect for getting to the studio in style.
- Sophie Hexter
Rediscovered
Waterproof mascaras
Max Factor Aqualash 2000 Calorie Mascara, $19.95,
1800 181 040.
In the past, waterproof mascara was often thick, clumpy and difficult to remove. Although handy for looking glamorous at the beach, it wasn't something you'd use from day to day. Not any more, says make-up artist Samantha Powell. "If you're after longevity, use a waterproof mascara." Her pick is Max Factor Aqualash 2000 Calorie Mascara. "The waterproofing agent acts almost like a hairspray, keeping the lashes exactly where I want them. Plus it comes off easily with
any moisturiser or make-up remover."
- Naomi McGee
© 2003 Sun Herald
Share This